I may look normal from time to time.. but there's times that it happens. Its not a obvious symptom type. It happens rarely, it depends.
I cant deny that i actually have this mental disorder thing.
I cant control it when it strikes me. I don't even know when or willithappen.. I really hate this anxious attack.. it came whenever i depressed, stressed, overly uncontrollable emotional.
In my whole life, there's only 2 person i know that actually saw me in my worst, panic attack.. 1st my previous boss, and 2nd is him.. he saw me outbreak the most.. the rest and the hardest time, i endure it myself, in toilets.. i remembered that was the hardest time, i cant help but to go to the public toilet and stayed for almost an hour half.. i don't have phone credit, i cant call anybody for help, i cant.. i was in LRT.. Ppl are just staring weirdly, they doesn't know that i was about to faint and struggling myself telling myself to be strong and don't fall, if u fall there's nobody to help u.. keep telling myself and force myself to go to a place that i could just take my time to get myself back.
the reason why i wrote this today,
is actually happened again today.. gladly was able to control my breathing, it didnt last long..
for the longest is an hour plus... the shortest is just for maybe about 20 minutes.. the last time before this strike was on February whichis2 months ago.. When i went to man house and talk to him. I cant control my self and panic attack again.. the saddest case is, he just staring at me catching my breath. not even try to comfort me.. how cruel.. I think He don't even know i was attack by it again.
so Today,
i went out for awhile to go to the post office to get my diaries that Penny have bought for me..
just while before I'm gonna cross the street, my ring flew off form my finger.. (my weight drop down from 46kg to 39kg, so u can actually imagine how skinny i am already. Weight Loss is definitely not a good thing for sure.) so back to topic,
all i know is the ring flew to my right side, the sucks is, right side was a big deep drain, and weed.. my ring were definitely either flew into the drain or into those weeds.. i was like crazily pulling off grasses and crying hoping that i could find my ring as soon as possible.
Finding a ring in messy weed is not an easy thing,, especially that its a whole wide place and have even no clue where it suppose to be.. I was under the sun, for almost 15 minute ugly-ly searching the ring.. i cant give up on searching the ring.. Panic attack again, hardly catching breaths, praying that the ring wouldn't flew into the drain , that i could find it out as soon as possible.. Hoping it really are just in those grass..
U wouldn't imagine how hard and that anxiousness at that moment. Right after the prayer.. I wouldn't give up and start searching again.. Tried to find it the other side, but i just have to finish the most possible side that i could find 1st.. and while i stand back where i stand, finally i found it.. it just on a dried weed.. How could i didn't even saw it when i found it earlier..
Prayer works, and Miracle DID happen.. It is for me.. Prayed and Thanks Heavenly Father that finally i found it.. after-all it just there..
Gladly it didn't loose forever. While searching for it i was so scared that i loose it forever and it's so bad i cant imagine how i would be if it loose forever.. I loosed my 1st ever crystal bracelet a gift by him and i could never find it back again, it is the most regret of my life, I cant loose it again..
I made my vow that i wont took it off and its the precious of my life.. I couldn't loose my precious.. It is so heart breaking even it just lost for that 15 min.. i cant stand that feeling of loosing anymore.. that's why i have this panic attack again.. All those anxious and sort of emotions strikes me.. I cant handle..
From early age, i cant stand being left alone.. I'll be panicking being alone. It feels suffocating. I'm afraid of the dark.. I even afraid of stepping into cinema alone.. I even cried and panic when i found that i was left alone in the mall.. my heart or it just physically mentally Me cant deal with it..
Maybe i having trauma once so it keep following me until now.. the reason why i walked so fast when I'm alone in malls coz i cant stand alone walking wondering, kinda afraid of being alone in the crowed.. I felt anxious and insecure so easily.
I even accidentally burnt my room 4 years ago once. Because of short circuit and so i light up a candle and forget to blew it off before i leave the room just because i was so afraid of being alone in the room, Leaving lots of lost and troubles to people around me, especially to him.
Sadly nobody notice this of me.. so
this is my life.. this is part of me..
which nobody knows. i would really wanted to left it forever as a secret.
but i really want if there is just somebody just try understands me. that I am emotionally weak, I am weak. For him, which i don't even know if he would take this in mind and at least try and cared of me.
I really hope that he would actually know me.. but the fact, he doesn't.. he don't remember. if he would, he would knew that by now for what he choose to, is already causing me another trauma.
that i cant control of it attack my mind again and again.. causing me so much pain.
For every there's a period of it all haunts me back.. that feeling, that suffocating, that heart ache..
strikes me ever since in the morning, cant help but crying, and so much thought. nightmare occurs every sleeps.. how i wished that i could just not sleep.. but not sleeping, are also suffocates coz i keep on thinking, non stop.. lots of thought run in mind.. why couldn't i just stop thinking... i just cant.. I tried to distract myself by watching dramas.. but even while watching drama I still thinking.
I really wished that i could get off these..
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